


do nuT

by sclerant (rufusrant)



Series: maraudercide [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bad Fic, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Everybody Dies, Gen, Homiecide, M/M, MWPP, Marauders, Murder, Purposely Bad Fic, hahaha, murder at Hogwarts, no chill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-08
Updated: 2018-06-08
Packaged: 2019-05-19 16:08:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14877035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rufusrant/pseuds/sclerant
Summary: The Marauders try to kill each other





	do nuT

**Author's Note:**

> This happened due to me watching [Red Velvet's "Russian Roulette"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QslJYDX3o8s) on loop hahaha. 
> 
> This is a joke, don't take this too seriously XD

“Are you ready, Marauders?” asks James excitedly.

“Oh yes,” smirks Sirius.

“Oh Merlin,” groans Remus.

“I just wanted cake,” squeaks Peter. “Can’t we spend one weekend _not_ doing crazy stuff like normal people?”

Sirius turns to Peter, the dagger in his hand as piercing as his eyes, swinging dangerously out of the grip of delicate fingers-

“If you would like to sit out, Wormy _dear,_ by all means,” The dagger twirls in his palm. “But you’ll be missing out.”

Peter starts whimpering. Sirius merely laughs, smacks him on the back, and Peter jumps, as if the dagger had gone in.

A gunshot goes off, scaring them both. James shouts a curse word in surprise. Remus’ revolver is smoking, and he is grinning.

“Just testing it,” says Remus sarcastically, as he slips it back onto his belt, doing a horrible job of feigning innocence. Sirius is ready to drop to his knees and beg Remus for mercy- surely boyfriends were an exception to murder. He feels a hot flush in his cheeks as Remus blows the smoke away from the gun barrel.

“Alright,” announces James, as he picks up the crossbow he’d nicked from Hagrid while he was sleeping. “We have a five minute head start to get to anywhere we want in the castle or the grounds before we start, uh, _seeking_ each other.”

Peter whimpers again. Everyone ignores him.

“And I’ve stashed the map away-“ A collective groan- “What? That would just make it way too easy. We’ve got to feel the _thrill of the hunt!_ Don’t you know what that is? _I_ know, because I’m magnificent. And finally-“

Remus makes a mental note to shoot James on sight after the head start.

“- no magic. No wands, so no Protego, none of them potion bombs or Unforgivables, no anything.”

“Sounds fair,” says Sirius, although glancing in Remus’ direction, trying to look sexy with the sharp dagger in his hand.

“Wait! I haven’t got a weapon!” cries Peter, finishing on tying a piano to the ceiling.

“It sucks to be you,” says James nonchalantly, swinging the quiver of arrows that he’d also nicked from Hagrid onto his back, trying to outdo Sirius. “Maybe you can nick one of them Beaters’ bats from the Quidditch shed. You’ve got roughly four minutes-“

“Wait, it’s started already?” Remus cuts in. “Why didn’t you say so, you-“

“Tick tock!” guffaws James, turning on his heel and running out of the common room. Peter runs back into their dormitory, screaming.

 

+

Sirius and Remus stare at each other. The sexual tension is too thick to cut with knives. After an aching ten seconds, Remus breaks the gaze and sends another bullet into the chamber of his revolver, cocks the hammer, and promptly aims it at Sirius. Sirius screeches femininely.

“Only joking,” says Remus, lowering the gun as Sirius continues screeching. “There’s three more minutes.”

Remus checks his watch. “Make that around two.”

Sirius inhales dramatically. He dashes out of the common room, scared shitless and mildly aroused by Remus and his gun.

+

The common room is empty except for Remus. The minute hand on his watch falls into place, and Remus promptly aims the gun at the dormitory door, ready for Peter to come wandering out like a clueless little mouse.

A minute passes, then another. The door is resolutely shut. Remus heaves an annoyed sigh, then he kicks down the door and fires.

The bullet shoots out the opened window. Remus is alone in the dorm as well.

“You can’t hide, Petey! I have a gun~”

 _Then_ Remus notices the looooooooooooooooooooong string of sheets hanging off the ledge, all the way down the length of Gryffindor tower. Remus isn’t sure whether to feel amazed at Peter’s skill for making such a looooooooooooooooooooong thing in under four minutes or the fact that this flimsy satin rope hadn’t ripped after supporting Peter’s full weight.

+

James stalks the corridor, crossbow loaded. He holds the Marauders’ Map in one hand, snickering at his genius. He had only said he’d stashed it away, not _where_ , after all, so it wasn’t cheating. Neither was the fact that he also had the Cloak on. The Cloak didn’t classify as “wand, Protego, blah blah blah-“

James stops when Sirius’ dot rushes into his corridor. Sirius is behind him, and his breathing is loud and heavy. James moves down until he is face-to-face with Sirius, the Cloak hiding his face from view. Sirius is too busy flipping his hair back to notice James lifting the bottom of the Cloak and aiming the crossbow at him-

Sirius turns and steps to the side just as the arrow sails through the air and misses his hair by an inch. Sirius gasps as he turns and sees the arrow pierce the portrait of a snoring wizard, who still continues to snore despite an arrow sticking through the tip of his nose.

Sirius glares at the arrow, then back at the formerly empty spot in the corridor. “James!”

James laughs maniacally as he slides the Cloak off, crossbow already armed with a new arrow.

“End of the line, Paddycakes!”

“The _Cloak_ ! What the _fuck,”_ Sirius tightens his grip on his dagger. “That’s cheating!“

The arrow flies. Sirius dodges it like how Keanu Reeves dodges those bullets in _The Matrix_. James is already positioning to fire another when Sirius recovers and takes off, impulsively parkour-ing over a ledge and plummeting down into the abyss of Hogwarts below.

And then he smashes face-first into the steps of one of the moving staircases, vanishing into a deep Sirius-shaped hole in the wood.

James catches up with him and aims the crossbow downwards from where he’s standing on the ledge, in case Sirius’ dark head _somehow_ rises from _somehow_ surviving the drop. A minute turns into five and Sirius is still deep in the stair-hole, out of James’ sight. The drop had probably snapped his neck. James shoots an arrow into the hole aNYWAYS, and runs off whooping.

+

Remus impatiently twirls his revolver in his fingers as he combs the grounds for Peter, occasionally looking back. He is alone in the grounds, the sun bright and stupid, the grass unevenly trimmed because Hagrid was too busy searching for his crossbow.

 _Peter has a very convenient animagus form,_ Remus tells himself. _That stupid bitch_ \- wait no that’s Sirius- _that stupid rat. Rat rat rat rat rat._

Remus reaches the edge of the lake. The water is still and glassy and Remus decides he could do with a bit of peace. He slips his revolver back into his belt.

Then suddenly he is on fire. Remus jumps into the Lake, and _then_ remembers that he can’t swim. He flails around, screaming. Then he sees his obvious perpetrator- **PETER.**  

Peter has his lighted wand in his hand, and an evil grin on his face. Remus is fucking shocked and gasps for air as all his words turn into italics.

“ _You-_ ” Remus’ head drops below water “- _fuckin’_ -” Remus’ head drops below water “- _rat_!” Remus’ head drops below water again. And stays.

 

+

James kicks a hole through the sleeping portrait of the Fat Lady. There is no one in the common room except for him. Sirius is dead, and whoever shows up next will be too.

“cOME OUT COME OUT!” yells James, crossbow armed. 

Then a piano falls on his head. The crossbow drops from his near-lifeless arm, and so do the Cloak and the map in coincidence.

Peter runs down from the stairs laughing, wand in his hand. James is fucking shocked. So fucking shocked, ellipses come after his every word.

“You… you…” 

“Cheated?” Peter prompts, wand twirling, picking up the Cloak and map and savagely kicking the crossbow away from James’ reach. “Then what’re these? Looks like I’m not the only one.”

“How… how’d you…”

“You always ignore me,” Peter answers. “You’re so fucking thick, James. Thick enough to not realise that I was tying the piano to the ceiling during your stupid briefing-”

“Fuck… you…” says James, and then he spoke no more. Peter laughs again.

James is dead, Remus has drowned, and he’d seen the Sirius-shaped hole in the stairs. He can’t believe it- the disregarded fourth Marauder, reigning supreme, last one standing- 

Suddenly, a loud bang goes off and something sharp flies past his neck. It takes a moment to realise the slit in his throat and a smoking bullet hole in his forehead.

“Ow,” Peter says, before toppling to the floor.

Sirius and Remus emerge from opposite sides of the common room, bloody dagger and smoking revolver in their hands. Remus’ pants are charred and wet and Sirius has a bloody nose and scratched arms, but they are still alive. 

They glare at each other. The sexual tension is too thick to even destroy with missiles. In an attempt to look sexy, Sirius licks his dagger blade, remembers that it is covered with Peter’s blood, then chokes and vomits. Remus’ stomach also turns and he hurls all over the carpet.

After they somehow stop throwing up at the same time, they run up to each other like the lovers they are and hug, because their friend is dead and they just killed their other friend. Three seconds later, Remus aims his revolver barrel at the back of Sirius’ head and Sirius’ dagger is at Remus’ nape.

“Wow,” Remus whispers. “You’re still going to kill your own boyfriend.”

“I’m sorry,” Sirius whispers back, tears running down his cheek. “I don’t want this-”

Remus tightens his grip on Sirius and the revolver, his own eyes brimming with tears. “I’m sorry too.”

Sirius and Remus close their eyes tightly, waiting for the shot and the stab, but about a minute passes and nothing happens. Then they look up at each other and laugh. Sirius and Remus let out breaths they didn’t know they had been holding.

“Let’s just… not,” says Remus. He wipes at Sirius’ wet cheek. “You know I can’t do this to you.”

“Of course,” Sirius cups Remus’ cheek with his free hand. “I love you, Moony.”

They lean in to kiss, and sUDDENLY McGonagall comes into the common room and sees the mess it is in. Also James and Peter deaded on the floor.

“wHAT IN THE NAME OF THE GIANT SQUID!” she shouts.

Remus and Sirius jump in fucking shock- and in their fucking shock, Remus pulls the trigger and Sirius’ dagger goes down. Remus and Sirius fall to the floor.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Any complaints can be taken to [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/rufusrant)


End file.
